FINALLY figured out how to incorporate this Blogger account with my main Gmail account - okay, so it was the second time I attempted such a thing, but at least it was a successful venture.
The good thing about having a blog like this is you have a record of your thoughts and emotions over the years. Sometimes I click on a random month and I'm much entertained by my 17-year-old self, all naive and getting worked up over the most childish things. The bad thing about this is reading all those posts from five years back and realizing that you haven't changed much. It's the same bullshit over and again: I have problems with my mother (well this has been the theme since I was about three years old). I don't trust people. Most people will either stab you in the back or let you down, and therefore should not be trusted.
(Recently, a new theme crept in: I love Europe.)
Certain things seem particularly hard for me, like trusting people. I suppose a stormy relationship with your mother does wonders for your subsequent relationships with women. Every girl is a mere projection of my mother and every trait that I hate about her: the excessive sentimentality, the crying, the dependence on men.
Then, you add a contrasting relationship with a loving, but mostly absent, father, with insanely high expectations ("a 98th percentile? Why not 99th?"), an alcohol problem, and the inclination to material incentives and what you get is a rather fucked up, frequently confused product with major trust and intimacy issues.
There's a French saying: The more things change, the more they stay the same. (I was going to quote the original sentence but that seems rather pretentious considering that I speak three sentences in the language.) I wonder if this is always going to be my life - changes in latitude, not attitude. That is such a depressing thought and I feel like I need a drink. It's 9:56AM.