I shouldn't be blogging right now, ya, especially with one pile of chem notes waiting to be read, and absorbed. Another pile of Physics notes has been lying down there on my table collecting dust for the past week. Untouched. And history is a big mess and i don't intend to study maths until much later. If i don't have time i'll just skip the whole process and memorize formula, hoping that they will at least stay put in my head for three hours and then, i'm happy to let them go xD
Anyway, frustrating study aside, something's been bugging me for the past two days and i need to (SWEAR and) get it out of my head.

*****WARNING: vulgarities ahead. Don't read if you don't want to********

SOME PEOPLE ARE BEING SUCH ASSHOLES!
Really, just what the fuck is wrong with you people? And the thing is, we used to be, gasp, GOOD friends. How f-ing screwed up is that? Now when the relationship turned sour they, those two fucking assholes, started to bitch about me! (i know there are people who bitch abt me but to have those i once called friends do this is just outrageous!). esp the guy has become completely oblivious to the fact that i, the stupid and blind me, helped him with his entire council application form (how did you think you get in, you jerk-with-two-demerit-points?). surprise ! Oh but actually it's my fault since i've myself decided to not to take some friends' advices about how i shouldn't even consider hanging out with them. So now i'm paying a good price for my stupidity huh.
It's one of those few times when i parted ways with my once-friends, but the first time i'm having to deal with all this shit. It's not like i have the time to care about those people, but when they're bitching about me with my other friend trying to get her away from me, there IS a problem.
And YOU who should not be named. I can't believe what an asshole you've turned out to be now. I can't believe you went around telling LIES about me. You should just go fuck yourself and die.

****************************

Just when i thought i've had enough dramas in my life, another surfaced. And i thought i've always been careful in choosing, and dealing with, friends. I've always been keeping the number of "best friends" to a bare minimum, and even with those relatively-close ones, i keep a lot of things to myself. You know. Because i am not the type who shares my insecurities and weaknesses with others, for i am always afraid of them being used against me in the future. I've always thought, i can deal with my own problems in life and i really don't need anyone's help, especially in private matters.
I don't trust human relationships. I never did, i still don't now and i doubt if that will change in the future.
It happened all the time. You think that someone is really nice and after a while you started doubting that person. I hate it when good relationships go south, and so to avoid disappointments just don't ever take relationships seriously in the first place. You know, it's like, enjoy the good times, but always be prepared for the worst.

"Trust no one but yourself."
"The only thing i can count on to be there is my shadow."

Seemingly misanthropic yes, but arent they true? As you go on in life you realize how true those quotes are. Perhaps the only exception is your family members, but you aint gonna live with them for life. So when you arent with your family, don't completely trust anyone. That perhaps also explained why i seldom cry in front of others, and even if i do, i always tried to stop immediately and refused any kind of consolation. Even if someone offers me a shoulder to cry on, i won't take it. That's just how i am, hiding my deep-seated problems away from all and cry alone, only to emerge the next morning hurt like crazy but strong on the surface. But I will survive come what may :)
Although i always have a lot of friends with whom i can talk for hours, the topics never include myself and my problems. Many people have told me, you must learn to trust people more. I only smiled weakly at that. How can I? I have been hurt before and i've seen others get hurt and there's no way i can forget those moments. And I don't intend to get hurt like that again.
Sometimes i laugh at how seemingly well-fitted i am for the politics world ;)
To all those who care, I can feel your love and concerns and really appreciate it. And i know i am never being open enough to you guys, don't hate me for it. That's just who i am and i intend to stay like that for as long as it takes.

I am sorry i lashed at you when you asked me what was wrong and if you could help. I didn't say anything but you could, by just being your extremely nice self, so that i know after i finished dealing with my problems on my own, there's someone there to buy me a cheesecake to cheer me up. HAHA